The Furry Lizard Who Went to Town
by Arrant396
Summary: This is a story about the massively famous, magical, furry lizard, John, and how he claimed that title. THIS STORY IS A CRACKFIC. DO NOT TAKE SERIOUSLY (unless you want to). Contains Drarry, Severitus and practical jokes from the Weasley twins. You have been warned.
1. The Monster of the Swamp

The Monster of the Swamp

Fred and George Weasley were up to something. They always were, but this time, everything was about to go down. They were about to become the greatest pranksters of all time.

Checking both ways, and seeing the coast was clear, Fred and George crept towards the door of Umbridge's Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom. Fred extracted a pair of extendable ears, and stuck them underneath the door to the classroom. He listened for a minute, and, upon hearing only silence, unlocked the door with a simple alohomora.

George walked over to the bowl of sweets that was always sat on top of Umbridge's desk and pulled a bag of assorted Weasley sweets out of his pocket. Tipping the sweets from the bowl into a pile, George put half inside the bag and mixed them up while Fred pocketed the rest. The bag of sweets were then poured into the bowl for pranking during class hours. The twins then decided on a spot of redecorating, to make the classroom of the toad into a more suitable surrounding. The walls were changed from the normal stone grey to a murky brown-green colour, the desks were made into large stones and the chairs into smaller stones covered with cushioning charms and all were coloured green. Laughing softly, the twins then unleashed their newest invention, the portable swamp, onto the floor of the classroom before leaving and returning to the Gryffindor tower.

Breakfast dawned the next day and no-one was more excited than Fred and George. They raced down the dormitory stairs with such speed that they crashed into Harry, Ron and Hermione on the landing below.

Sensing that a prank was planned Harry and Ron eagerly questioned the twins about what was going to happen, while Hermione walked off with a sigh. The only answer that they received though, was that all would be revealed shortly at breakfast.

*^*skip to great hall*^*

The four boys raced through the doors of the hall, anxious to see results of the prank. Surely enough, a few minutes later, a fuming Umbridge stormed in. Her face was purple with anger, a vein throbbing in her forehead, her pink clothes caked with mud around the ankles and dried blood and vomit staining the front of her shirt. She was glaring at anyone who dared to look at her, but the muffled laughter was only making her mood worse.

She stalked up to the staff table and took her seat between Dumbledore and Snape. Mere seconds after she sat down, Snape shuffled his chair away from her, even further away than on the night of the sorting feast, and started a quick conversation with Professor McGonagall. Dumbledore, however, immediately inquired about her wellbeing.

Harry, Ron and the twins were all laughing hysterically, joined by the students at the tables surrounding them, and even Hermione was giggling along with them. The sight really was one to behold, Umbridge angrily eating porridge, spilling more of it down her than actually eating it, while resolutely ignoring Dumbledore's efforts to lighten her mood and being face with a room of children laughing at her. After mere minutes of sitting there, she got up and stormed out again, tripping on a leg that a seventh year Hufflepuff had _accidentally_ stuck out. Breakfast continued relatively as normal after the exit of Umbridge, only with students wiping tears of mirth from their eyes.

Twenty minutes later, and the golden trio were walking towards their first period lesson, Defence Against the Dark Arts, discussing the events that unfolded during breakfast. Arriving outside the classroom, they discover the rest of their class outside the door, shrieking, and partially covered with mud. Neville who was closest, ran over and explained what was happening.

"Parvarti opened the door to go in and she stepped inside, but she started sinking into the floor, so she looked down and she was stood in a swamp. Some other people did the same just before you guys got here so I thought that I would warn you."

"Thanks for telling us, Neville." Hermione replied.

The door to the classroom opened and Umbridge appeared at the door, looking angrier than ever. Shouting at the mud soaked students to come inside, she disappeared back to her desk. The fifth year students reluctantly followed her in and were even more surprised when they saw the desks and chairs made of rock and the walls a horrible sludge green. Each person took their places at the rock tables and faced the front, with just enough time to see Umbridge draw her wand and shout "luto abierunt" at the floor. The spell appeared to have no effect until a loud groan was emitted from the floor and the swamp stared shaking.

Suddenly a giant green head appeared from the ground, then a neck, legs, back and finally a tail. The monster was almost seven foot tall, lime green with red eyes and covered in fur. The students in the classroom screamed and ran and screamed some more. Umbridge was frozen in fear of what she had created, and before anyone could even think of laughing hysterically, the furry lizard had stomped over and eaten her whole. The lizard then shouted "I AM JOHN" in a thunderous lizard-y way and surveyed the room.

The fifth years who were still in the classroom all cheered very loudly, and the giant furry lizard ran out of the door, cowering at the noise.


	2. Lemony Kittens

Lemony Kittens

The fifth year Defence Against the Dark Arts students all piled out the room in an effort to follow John, the giant furry lizard, but were mightily disappointed to discover nothing but an empty corridor.

A group of Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff students gathered together, discussing the events that had just take place in their, supposed, defence lesson. One Ravenclaw, who was named Kraig Melon-Twinzy, came up a brilliant idea to gain help from Hogwarts herself. He decided to go to the kitchens and take a bowl of lemons up to the astronomy tower. His friends Gemma Gardenrope and Josie Muffinbelly followed him and they all took part in a special ceremony to make the castle sentient. All three children grabbed a lemon and chanted made up words while dancing the Macarena. Unfortunately, they DID make the castle come to life, only Hogwarts turned out to be very angry. Hogwarts, to be precise, was the reincarnation of Grumpy, a dwarf from Snow White after he had murdered the other dwarves, Snow White _and_ the rest of the Disney princesses.

Hogwarts, instead of being helpful and exorcizing John the giant furry lizard, genderflipped everyone in the castle and on the grounds. Then, to be even more annoying, deployed an angry mob of cynical cats into the great hall, Dumbledore's office and all of the house common rooms. The cynical cats were all able to speak English fluently, had opposable thumbs and were extremely sarcastic. One such cat landed directly on top of Dumbledore's head and was promptly dislodged with a swat and a very unmanly squeal. The other cats that were now roaming around Hogwarts were multiplying at an incredible rate. They were anti science cats which meant that they could do anything and could not be stopped.

*^* in a random corridor *^*

"Mr Potter, if you could wait a moment" the sharp voice rang out across the corridor. Harry slowly turned to face his professor with a silent groan. Seeing that the boy had stopped, Severus waded through the sea of cats towards him. "Mr Potter... Harry, I have some information that I wish to divulge." Then, seeing that Ron and Hermione were still waiting behind Harry, he said, "If you wouldn't mind Miss Granger, Mr Weasley." Pulling Harry into a nearby classroom, he spoke. "Harry, I must tell you one _very_ important fact. I'M YOUR FATHER, AIYOO!" and then he skipped away whilst petting one of the millions of cats that were still accumulating inside Hogwarts. Harry, who was understandably shocked at Snape's outburst, ran out of the room and crashed headfirst into the solid chest of Draco Malfoy.

But this wasn't any old Draco Malfoy, no, this was the 'I've been awake and on Tumblr all night, but somehow I'm still on it' Draco Malfoy. And it was true. Draco Malfoy was indeed still on Tumblr, and he was somewhat functioning, but when a speeding Harry Potter was aimed straight at him, there was nothing he could do, but it wasn't as if Draco had seen him anyway.

The phone was knocked right out of Draco's hands and onto the floor, but miraculously, the screen didn't smash. The phone ended up beside Harry, who was sat on the floor looking defeated. Harry picked it up and glanced at the screen, then looked again, and rubbed his eyes and looked again. It appeared that Draco Malfoy, pureblooded, ice prince of Slytherin, was reading muggle fanfiction. Not only that, but _Drarry_ fanfiction of all things. Harry intended to find out why.

Harry peered up to face Draco, who was looking quite embarrassed, and the only explanation he offered was a "Pansy was reading it and I wanted to know what it was!" After the _very_ awkward meeting with Malfoy, Harry chased after Ron and Hermione until he found them making out in an alcove, with Colin Creevey taking pictures. Harry just walked away and stared out of the window at the end of the corridor. That was when he realised that John the weird yet awesome Umbridge-eating lizard was relaxing in the lake and chatting to the giant squid.

Harry heard Ginny walk towards him and then decided to shut down sentient Hogwarts and shouted "Fuck this! Hogwarts hibernate!" and then they all lived happily ever after, except Umbitch I mean Umbridge, because she got eaten by John. John was actually really nice and kind and everyone, even Snape loved him. After Voldemort read what happened in the Daily Prophet, he told everyone that he was stopping being a dark lord and killing people because his one goal in life was to kill Umbridge, and he then retired with his one true love Albus Dumbledore.


End file.
